The Loser Jeff Stories

Things you didn't want to know about me and not much more.

My Stories

Below you will find my crazy ass stories, read them NOW!

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Masturbation Follies

Posted on November 11, 2010 at 5:30 PM Comments comments (0)

Date Occured: 1998

Date Written: 2010

 

When I was in high school (yes I'm that old, fuck you) I worked for the now defunked Computer City (like Best Buy only they didn't sell TV's and stoves) answering phones then later after graduation, I was put on the sales floor as a stock bitch. This was fine because all I did all day was stock computer software, which was kind of boring but at the same time fun due to all the new release software coming out. This was a good job for me because not only did I learn about programs like Advanced Solitaire, but I also got to stock shit which kept my mind busy (because of how "Tetrisy" the place was with their high shelfing) from everything except one thing, sex.


Though I had a girlfriend at this time, I was still one horny bastard. So horny to the point that I'd rub one off just about anywhere, even at work. One day while I was roaming about the sofware shelves I randomly got horny, imagine that? This wasn't good, though I was the only one in my department at the time, my coworker Don was due in at any minute. I had to act fast.


I quickly found one of those stand up card board things that companies use to market their products to stand behind and began going at it. As I'm sitting there jacking away, looking around for customers, I see someone coming towards me. I put my shit back in my pants and act like nothing is going on. I can't remember if they asked me where something was or if they were just window shopping, after all this is 12 years ago. After they'd gone, I went back the 'ol card board cut-out and started up again. This time was a success, as I got close to cumming, I realized that I hadn't made a trip to the bathroom to collect any sort of "jizz absorbants". Huge fail there. So what did I do you ask? What Jeff always does, makes the best of shit.


I grab a nearby peice of software and came on it. Instantanously my horniness left and I was again back from a great trip to Wank Land. I put the software back and as I'm doing so I catch the name of it and the pic of the front,..ELMO IN SESAME STREET ABC's (or something along those lines having to do with Elmo)!  I look around and to my complete shock notice that I just jacked off in the kids section of my department.  I guess when you're horny you don't pay attention to your surrounding details hu?

 

I thought to myself, holy shit! I just jizzed on Elmo!  OH MY GOD!  OH HELL NO! 

 

I was in pure shock and felt odd. These thoughts were quickly interrupted by foot steps behind me. With my dick still hanging half way out my pants I quickly put it away and turn around to see my coworker Don. FUCK! I thought, he saw me, great now I'm up Shit Creek without a paddle. I turn around and act like normal.

 

Jeff (looking like I just got caught robbing a bank) "Don! Hey man."
Don "Hello."
Jeff "Crap man I think I got a pants issue here with my zipper or something."


By now I could feel the exses jizz running down my thigh so I quickly ran to the bathroom to clean myself up. I get out of the bathroom and go back to my department where I find Don stocking what was left on my cart. I look at him and say:


Jeff "Ever had a pants problem Don?"
Don "Oh, yeah those are something."

The Worst Sex I Ever Had

Posted on September 30, 2010 at 1:09 PM Comments comments (1)

Date Occured: September, 2007
Date Written: September, 2010

 

This story revolves around my one and only one night stand. Normally I don't do this kind of shit, but I was 27 at the time and single with no girlfriend material in sight.  It's one of those situations that you just kind of get yourself into and then once you're in you realize that you made the wrong decision and want to back out but it's too late, the shit roller coaster  has already embarked.

In late 2007 I got a job as a sub contractor working for AT&T in their sales department for their home side products (that means non-wireless shit for those that didn't get that). My job was to go into the wireless stores and try to sell people DSL, unlimited long distance for their landline, or something else that nobody ever wanted.

The best part about this job is that you and only you go out the stores, except for when you get paired up with a coworker, which I never did. One day while I was working this one store in east bumblefuck Alabama, otherwhise known as Jasper, I decided to take a break or lunch break or shit break or some kind of break to go into the grocery store next door.

I find something to buy and goto the check out, where I find a girl I will call "CrazyPsycho" looking rather sad or pissed off or some kind of twisted combination of both. She wasn't a bad looking girl, big boned but not over weight. Her attitude was less than that, giving off some kind of "I don't want to fucking be here much less help you in purchasing your drink" persona. I think nothing of it, and try to make a little small talk which results in me just paying for my shit and leaving.


Sometime later, I'm sitting around try to do my near impossible job because every has cellphones when I see the girl from the grocery store walk in with some dude that looked like he'd just been molested by the Adams Family and then passed onto the Munsters for extra added in creepiness. I will call him "Fester".  They get helped with whatever they needed help with, then CrazyPsycho notices me from the grocery store and decided to come over and talk to me. I guess she got over her bitchy attitude. We start shooting the shit and talk some. Fester was bi or gay or something because he kept trying to touch me and make passes at me. Sorry guy, I don't do dudes much less ones that look like they were born right into the movie Night of the Living Dead. After talking to me, getting my phone number, and rubbing me, CrazyPsycho and Fester leave, but not before CrazyPsycho tells me to call her later tonight. Awesome....or so I thought at the time, little did I know that karma was about smack me down like Mike Tyson.


I get off work and head back to office, then home. This takes awhile as my office was about 50 minutes away and then my house was 20 minutes from there. I get home and change clothes and bullshit around with my roommate some before I decide to call her. When I finally get around to calling her, she tells me that she's still at work but will be off in an hour. This works out well as it takes about an hour to drive out to where she works and lives.  I get to her grocery store and go in. I find her just getting off work and walking my way to greet me.  We walk back to my car making small talk along the way. As we get into my car, she starts asking me questions like do I like her, do I think she's hot, etc. Then she says I can touch her if I want, so I lay a hand on her left breast and squeeze.


After more talking (and groping) we decide to go back to her place, she tells me that she lives with her parents (I think she was only 19) but that won't be an issue as we can go in her room. We get to her house and as we walk into the kitchen, she decided to dart somewhere and leave me with her relative of some kind. I guessed her mom but it could have been her cousin or aunt or someone which was a very odd moment for me which I won't go into because I don't remember what was said...yeah it was that awkward.


She comes back and says we can go in her room, so we do. We are sitting on her bed when her mom or whoever screams for her. You see, here in Alabama the rednecks prefer to scream across the house or yard to get someone's attention, yeah it's one of those southern things.  She leaves the room and comes back, but doesn't close the door. I ask why is the door open, she says she has to leave it open. Okay no worries, she had a huge walkin closet, we could go in there. WRONG!


So with the door wide open and her not wanting to go in her closet and shut the door, we decide to fuck on the floor by her bed...with our clothes on. We go at it for I don't know how long (it wasn't very long at all because I was paranoid and uncomfortable as fuck so my goal was to get in, and get out).


Finally, as I'm pounding away it looked and sounded like she came, okay awesome now I can come and get the fuck out of here. I pull out, take the condom off, and ask if she will suck me off. She does and it was almost the worst head I've ever gotten in my life, only 2nd to this girl I fucked around with on my 16th birthday that used her teeth and made my dick bleed, obviously not knowing how to suck dick but that's a whole other story entirely.


She's sucking me off and as I'm about to cum she pulls away and jacks me off all over my clothes!  WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! After I cum and think we are all done I start to get up (with jizz all over me) and leave. She then tells me that she didn't cum and wants me to finger her. I tell her to give me a fucking towel first, she does, I clean up as much as I can and then start fingering her. I can't remember if I went down on her or not but that's probably a good thing since the whole situation was a fucking disaster. I finger her and I guess she gets off. By now I'm super WHAT THE FUCK!? , uncormfortable as hell, and this mental basket case in all into me...great, story of my life.


We finish, put what little clothes we took off back on, and then I get the fuck out of there.  She tells me to call her...yeah right, I'd rather stick my balls in the microwave. I make a B-line for my car, get in, and haul ass as fast as possible away from her house.  She called me a day or 2 later, I talked to her for a whole 2.3 minutes then make up some lame excuse to get off the phone. I was not digging this chick, but she wouldn't stop calling me so what do I do? I let my roommate at the time start answer my cellphone. This was funny as shit because he could do a great impression of me while stoned, so she never knew that she was talking to him, she thought it was me talking to her.


I have no idea what my roommate told her, but everytime she'd call I'd hand him the phone. Finally she stopped calling me and I didn't know why at first as she'd been calling me for nearly a week straight everyday just about. Then my roommate filled me in on his fiendish plot.  He had made up some crazy shit and told her that I became gay and started liking a dude I worked with.  The funny thing is, they would talk for a good 20-30 minutes each time she'd call and I'd give him my phone. Who the fuck knows what else he told her or how far into detail he went into my new gay experience with a coworker, but whatever it worked and she stopped calling me. Just goes to show how smart Jasper, Alabama girls are.

Jeff Goes to Concert, Hilarity Ensues

Posted on September 16, 2010 at 4:19 AM Comments comments (0)

Date Occured: April 2010

Date Written: May 2010

 

As some of you may know, (especially if you live in Birmingham) there is a 2 day concert held every year around the end of April and the 1st of May where about 8 or 9 bands play over the course of the 2 days. It's called the Crawfish Boil, and I go every year. This year however, was much different than the last few times I've gone.

 

 

I get to Jay's place around 3pm with a 12 pack of beer and 1 black and mild. Since the concert starts at 4pm, I start pouring beer down my throat as fast as I can due to the fact that beer inside the concert is I shit you not, $6 a beer for a 16oz can. Yep, pure robbery and utter rapings with a sandpaper condom without even getting a reach around if you ask me. So I had the idea of getting shit-housed prior to getting there.

 

Jay, however took this idea and made it better. His idea: We drink some Green Dragon! Now if you don't know what Green Dragon is, you're lucky you're reading this because I won't tell you. Let's just say its main ingredient is 180 proof Everclear. I take a shot first, tastes like nail polish smells. I quickly chase it with beer. Jay takes a shot and can't handle it. After his mishap, he loads me up another shot. Again that familiar nail polish taste in my mouth followed by beer.

 

Jay takes a shot and this time makes it down. He then asks me if I want another shot. OF COURSE I DO! I'm Irish! This time it was only half a shot due to the limited quanities of the Green Dragon. I then pour another 4 beers down my throat (for a total of 5 now).

 

I'm completely shit-housed at this point and by now it's 3:20pm and we have to leave, but not before JaysWife rolls a few J's. At this point I'm wrestling around in my head as to if I should partake in the J smokings at the concert, so I start talking about it (you know since I'm drunk as fuck and I love to talk when drunk). JaysWife steps in and says "Jeff, it's the Crawfish Boil, it happens once a year, give yourself a fuck-it pass for the weekend." I think that this is awesome logic and give myself a guilt-free pass for the concert.

 

Before leaving, I ask Jay how good of a wingman he is. He tells me that the best wingmen are single dudes and since he's married he probably wouldn't mount up to the task. He then proceeds to give me advice on how to talk to women, the conversation went like this:

 

Jay: Dude, you can't just go up to girls and say "Hey! You're a hot chic!" That only works on some girls, mainly ones that are STD ridden or ones that have such a low self esteem that you wouldn't want to touch them anyway because they have all sorts of mental issues.

Me: It worked at the party the other week didn't it? (Read my Jeff Goes to Party, Talks to Hot Girls story if you haven't already, GO NOW!)

JaysWife: Yes, it will work on some girls but most of them will be turned off by it.

Me: Well, it work on my ex girlfriend Annah.

Jay: Yeah, and she probably has 12 STDs.

Me: She didn't when I was fucking her, she probably does by now knowing how big of a whore she was.

 

So then I think, I play things my way and possibly get a phone number or 2 like last time OR keep my mouth shut and play things Jay's way. I decided to heed my friends advice and keep my mouth shut, which I did the entire night and guess how many phone numbers I got? ZERO. Yeah, I'm doing things DrunkJeff way from now on, even if I do make an idiot out of myself at least I still get hot girls phone numbers that way.

 

Nevermind driving, so I left my keys on the table and hopped in JaysWife's car. By now I've reached Tucker Max Drunk. I can hardly keep my eyes open, I looked like a zombie from Dawn of the Dead drooling in the backseat of her car. We get half way there via the interstate and I feel that notso good slush feeling churning around in my stomach. UH OH, this can't be good, must've been the honey bun and that cheese bread stuff Jay made which was ALL I had to eat, not a full meal in the slightest.

 

JaysWife tells me that if I need to puke to not do it in the car, but instead roll down the window. So that's exactly what I did, in my drunken room-spinning-Tucker-Max-Drunk stupor I somehow manage to roll the window down, hold my head out the window while going about 65 mph and proceed to puke...hard.

 

Most of it hits the side of the car, I think some hit the ground and some probably hit someones car, I don't know as I was litterally blacking in and out. JaysWife realizes that I need water or something of the alike so we exit the interstate, upon doing this I let out one more huge puke all over the side of her car and manage to look up at some passing motorists with my thumb up and a huge smile on my face. Yep, it doesn't get any better than this.

 

We pull into a gas station (with people starring of course due the mass amount of puke hanging off the side of the car) and JaysWife comes back with a Gatoraide. I immediately drink half of it. Back on the interstate, I'm blacking in and out so bad that I think I am litterally going to die, I even txt messaged my bestfriend of 28 years and told him that I've consumed too much alcohol and that I may die tonight, that if I did he could have all my stuff. So I'm thinking great, I spend the night in the hospital due to alcohol poisioning versus seeing cool bands and hot chics. However, God had different intensions for me.

 

Between blacking in and out, I look down at my Gatoraide bottle and it tells me to drink it for electrolyte replenishment. This took the cake, I was drunker than I have ever been in my life, and believe me I've been pretty fucking drunk before but great holy Jesus I was Fucked-In-Half. I'd heard about "When-Inanimate-Objects-Talk-To-You-Drunk" from Tucker Max's book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, but I never thought I'd achieve this level of drunk, but I did.

 

All I remember next is us getting stuck in traffic and then going the wrong way, before finally getting there and finding a place to park. Upon parking, I open the door, prop my head in arm on the arm rest and puke some more of my spleen up. I vomit for a good 5 minutes off and on before I can finally muster the energy to get out of the car. As I'm getting out Jay takes the first pic with my camera (I had given my camera to JaysWife so I wouldn't lose it or break it) and says "watch out for that pool of puke you just made!" And I thought this only happened in the movies, PURELY CLASSIC! I can't wait to get this film developed.

 

I get out of the car and karma being the bitch she is, strikes again but not too bad. I look up and see 2 hot girls starring at me. This is ironic, because last year I had to pee after we parked so I did it next to the car while an SUV of hot chics pulled up, this year I was puking up my stomach while hot chics were present...gee I really do love my life.

 

After having 2 massive puke attacks, (I may have even puked a 3rd time) I finally down the rest of my Gatoraide and start to feel better. We walk about half a mile to the concert entrance, I can hear that Theory of a Deadman is on stage and covering the A-Team theme song! This inspires me to yell "YYEEEAAAAAHHHH A-TEAM!!!"

We get into the concert and as it turns out we missed Fuel, which was the first band to play. No worries here as I saw them at the 2007 Crawfish Boil. Finally we get close to the stage, Jay and JaysWife lose me in the crowd so I just kind of stay put and be drunk for a minute. Theory of Deadman rocked a few songs and by now it was around 7pm and shockingly I was near sober...I needed more beer.

 

I wasn't about to lose my view and closeness of the stage so I decide to spark up my black and mild instead. The guy next to me that's with a rather cute girl asks for a drag, I give him one and we start talking.

 

Friday: Hey man, thanks for the drag.

Me: Not a problem.

Friday: Hey do you smoke pot?

Me (lifting up my shirt sleeve): Nah man I sure don't.

Friday: Oh badass tattoo man!

Me: Thanks.

Friday: Well my name is Friday, because my lastname is Friday, so people call me Friday. What's your name dude?

Me: Stoney.

FridaysGirl: OH COOL! I went to high school with a guy named Stoney.

 

Apparently there are other Stoney's in the world, and here I thought I was the only one.

 

Friday (pulling out a pint of jagermeister and pointing it at me): Hey man, want some?

 

I quickly retreated into my head and thought about what had happened to me eariler and declined his offer.

 

Me: No thanks, I can't drink that shit straight and if I do I need a beer to chase it with.

Friday (while taking a sip): Oh man, I love this stuff!

Friday: Hey I got some KB rolled up, I'm just waiting for it to get dark.

Me: Awesome.

 

I continued to talk to Friday for a minute until he too gets lost into the crowd and I was left listening to Theory of a Deadman wrap up their set. As they got off stage I try to call Jay, no answer. I try again, no answer. I then scan the crowd to see if I can see him, I do and start to blow up his phone. He answers finally and it's so long I can't hear him and he can't hear me. It went something like this:

 

Me: TURN AROUND! I AM RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

Jay: (loud noise)

Me: I AM RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

Jay: What?

Me: TURN THE FUCK AROUND!

 

He then starts looking around but doesn't see me. So I start waving my arm in the air, this doesn't help either.

 

Jay: (more loud noise)

Me: DUDE I AM LITTERALLY ABOUT 15 FEET BEHIND YOU JUST TURN AROUND!

Jay: (more loud noise then call ended)

 

This pretty girl I was standing next to asked who's attention I was trying to get, I tell her and she gets people in the crowd to play old school "telephone" and gets his attention for me. He sees me and then puts his phone up to his ear, I look down and see my phone ringing:

 

Jay: (noise again)

Me: WHAT?

Jay: Come (more noise)

Me: WHAT? I CAN'T COME UP THERE, I AM NOT A HOT GIRL AND WON'T BE ABLE TO GET AROUND PEOPLE, YOU COME BACK HERE.

Jay: What?

Me: YOU COME BACK HERE!

Jay: (yet even more noise) Seether.

Me: WHAT?

Jay: After Seether.

Me: YOU'RE COMING BACK HERE AFTER SEETHER?

Jay: Yes.

Me: OKAY.

 

So for Seethers entire set, I was surrounded by people I didn't know, but I didn't care I was into the music. After Seether got off stage, I was loosing my beer buzz and found Jay and JaysWife. We were about to go get something to eat when we found a group of people rolling a blunt. We took this time to partake in concert traditions.

 

Not having smoked in awhile, I was lit and wanting more beer and water. We head out to the edge of the crowd and I see a dude and a hot chic with a cooler full of beer, I go up to them:

 

Me: Hey, you selling beer?

BeerGuy: Yes I am.

Me: Okay cool, give me a Budweiser.

BeerGuy: Okay that'll be $6.

Me: $6!?!?! That's robbery!

BeerGirl: I know, I know.

BerrGuy: I will need to see your ID too.

Me: Okay, but I bet you my money back I'm over 21.

BeerGirl: That all? Just one?

Me: Yep, I got trashed before coming here.

 

I then remembered in my drunken puke stupor hours prior that I had told JaysWife I'd buy her a drink for puking all over her car, she wants a Budweiser. I go back to the BeerPeople.

 

Me: Okay, give me another Budweiser, you twisted my arm.

BeerGirl (while laughing): I'm going to have to see your ID again.

Me: What? You just saw it not even 52.4 seconds ago.

BeerGirl: Sorry, it's a new policy, new transaction.

Me: What kind of horseshit is that? I'm fucking 30 and you just saw my ID!

 

I give JaysWife her beer and quickly down mine. We then learn that Akon is up next and decide to go get something to eat and ride the ferris wheel. We get food first. I brought $30 with me, spent $12 on 2 beers and $12 on a plate of cheese chilli fries, $2 on parking. I had $4 left which was just enough to buy a water. Wow, they really do rape you hard at these events on prices.

 

We stand in line a fucking hour to ride the ferris wheel which gives me de ja vu because I stood in line last year to ride the damn thing because the dude I was with wanted to ride it versus going and talking to girls and listen to music. I then get more de ja vu as I hear Akon in the distance and remembered how bad he sucked when he came to the Crawfish Boil in 2007 and how bad he sucked now.

 

We get on the ferris wheel which was uneventful except I could see all the hot chics far and wide from atop of it. Jay and JaysWife kept sucking on each others faces while I just sat there being whatever state of mind I was in at that time and looking at girls. After the ferris wheel ride was over, I had to pee. This was the only time that night that I had to pee, amazing that I pissed only once and consumed I don't know the amount of booze.

By now it was almost time for Alice in Chains to get on stage, so we head toward it and get as close as we can. We get a pretty good view when Jay and JaysWife have to pee. They say that I can stay here that they will be back, looking around I see a sea of people and figure that there would be no way to get back to me so I tell them I will go with them. Back to the port-o-toilets we go.

 

JaysWife needs to sit down so we do, but after a good foot rest I suggest we go back into the crowd. My colleagues think that this isn't a good idea and just sit there. Okay, Alice n Chains is on stage, one of the best bands ever formed and they just want to sit. Not wanting to get lost again, I stay with them.

There's a pretty good view of the stage from where we were sitting, but I wasn't close enough so I try to get them to go into the crowd with me once again. No dice, they still want to sit. Blasphemy!

 

By now it's 11:40pm, I'm pretty much sober and Alice n Chains said good night, but then came back out for encore playing Rooster. I get excited and start jamming out, while Jay and JaysWife just stand there. They get half way throught Rooster and Jay gets this notso great idea to leave. This always happens, ever year I come to this concert I am somehow forced to leave before the last band finishes, it's never failed except for in 2007 I actually got to stay for it all.

 

On a side note, I didn't run into anyone I knew there which is strange because I always see at least one person I know at the Crawifish Boil.

 

So we start heading toward the gate to leave, all the while Alice n Chains still playing Rooster. We get out in to the street and start walking the half mile back to the car. Back at the car I see the puke all over the side of the door, door handle, window, and even some on the trunk of the car. WOW I'm good.

 

As I open up the door I look down and see the remains of my puke puddle below my feet and say "Oh shit, there's that pool of puke you guys were talking about."

The Night I Cheated Death....Again

Posted on September 16, 2010 at 4:09 AM Comments comments (0)

Date Occured: May 2010

Date Written: May 2010

 

I've cheated death before, who hasn't? I've actually done it 4 times now over the years starting when I was age 4 or 5 when a hammer fell 4 feet and hit me right in the forehead, I came out with a just a bruised knot. However, this time was so unreal it was well..., unreal. As I said in my last story, there is a concert here held every year called the Crawfish Boil. This story takes place on day 2 of the massive event.

 

NOTE: My spelling and grammar might be a little off at certain points in this story, so blow me, I'm on darvocet (yes I have a prescription for it).

 

I couldn't find anyone to go with me for day 2 and the concert started at 2:00pm. At 2:00pm I call up my buddy "WingMan" and ask if he wants to go if I pay for his ticket. He agrees but needs to do some shit first, I tell him to hurry because the thing has already started.

 

2:52pm - I call WingMan and tell him I am leaving the house, he says he is doing the same and to meet at the local hardware store.

 

3:17pm - I arrive at said hardware store with a 6 pack of beer and a joint for us and 1.7 grams of shrooms for myself.

 

4:47pm - WingMan finally shows up, I'm not getting into the mishap that held him up for nearly and hour and a half, because well it pissed me off but wasn't his fault really.

 

5:10-20pm - We arrive at the Crawfish Boil and me being jewish decided to not park where you have to pay, instead I find a nice crackhead neighborhood street to park on. Which was fine because a lot of other people

were parking there too.

 

5:30pm - We down the 6 pack of beer and I take the shrooms. I wanted to save the joint for the concert but WingMan was jonesin' bad and was paranoid about bringing it in, so we smoke it.

 

5:40pm - We arrive at the ticket booth, I see a hot chic behind the counter and proceed to buy a ticket from her, however he cockblocking coworker dude asks if he can help me first....bollocks!

 

5:43pm - We arrive at the enterance where they take your ticket. The guy taking tickets asks me if I have any weapons on me. I tell him no, that I'm a stoner. He tells me to have a great day.

 

5:48pm - Shrooms kicking in, a little tipsy, and stoned. WingMan wants to know the stage lineup so I advise a plan to ask someone working a food stand or go back to the gate. He does this and gets no dice, I then resort to plan B...ask a random hot girl.

 

5:51pm - Here is where WingMan starts to slightly shine. 2 hotties walk right by us and he just says "Hey, excuse me!" They stop and turn to us, I then take the controls.

 

Me: Do you 2 know who just played?

TrueBlonde: You mean who has already been on?

Me (with blank palm to face type stare): Uhh, yeah...

TrueBlonde: Oh it was Jason Derula and I think uhm Jay shaun.

Me: Okay cool so we didn't miss much.

TrueBlondesFriend: Nah, you're good. I think the B-52's are up next and then Train and then GooGoo Dolls.

WingMan: Okay thank you.

Me: Thanks.

 

By this time the shrooms are kicking in good and WingMan has to pee, and well I could use a good sniff of the public shitters myself. As I'm coming out the port-o-toilets I hear a girl say "Does green on the door mean I can go in?" I laugh and tell her "Yes, green means go, it works just like a traffic light."

 

After our piss break we just decided to wander around because the next band isn't on stage yet. As we are walking aimlessly around scoping out hotties, I see WingMan go up to a t-shirt vendor. Knowing he has no money I wonder what in the fuck he's doing. He comes back to me and goes "Okay man B-52's are up next, then Train, then GooGoo Dolls." I bust out in laughter and say "Man, you are stoned because remember those 2 hotties you stopped? They already told us the lineup, so thanks for finding out shit we already know."

 

More aimless walking takes place and then I hear a familiar voice coming from the stage area, it was Kate Pearson of the B-52's. I grab WingMan and head toward the stage. We get about 20-25 yards away from the stage, excellent view too I might add.

 

WingMan being the awesome wingman he is, spies a hot girl right next to me (I didn't see her as I was too into the music because on a shroom trip, music overwhelms you and takes you into it like it's another world, it's purely magical) trying to take a picture but she can't because she's too short.

 

WingMan taps me on the shoulder and whispers in my ear "Jeff, see that girl, she is trying to take a picture, ask her if she wants some help since you're tall." I ponder this in my head as to how it will turn out if I go in and say something completely stupid which I've been known to do at times of being under the influence of certain things. I hesitate and hesitate, and just when I thought my chance was lost WingMan says "GO, DO IT!" I turn to my right and and open my mouth:

 

Me: Hey uhm do you want me to take a pic for you?

CoolHotGirl: Yes! Oh that would be awesome! Thank you!

Me: It's no problem.

 

Score 1 for WingMan on my behalf.

 

Me: Okay, how many do you want?

CoolHotGirl: Uh, as many as you want to take.

 

I get 3 decent pics of the B-52's and hand her camera back to her.

 

CoolHotGirl: Thanks! I may ask you again for another pic or so.

Me: That's fine.

Me: So what's your name?

CoolHotGirl: "Alyssa"

Me: Right on, I'm Jeff.

Alyssa: Jeff?

Me: Yes, J E F F

Alyssa: Sorry I can't really hear and I'm a little drunk.

Me: Oh it's all good.

Alyssa: Yeah I am here with my sister and her friend but I lost them.

Me: Oh that sucks, that happened to me last night, not cool.

Alyssa: Yeah, like what the fuck?

Me: I know right?

Me (turning to WingMan): Oh this is my buddy, WingMan.

WingMan: Hey.

Alyssa: Hey, I'm Alyssa.

WingMan (while winking at me): Good to meet you.

Alyssa: So since I don't know where my sister is, you guys are going to adopt me until I find them, okay?

Me: OH that is perfectly fine!

Alyssa: Okay great.

Me: However, have you tried calling your sister?

Alyssa: Yeah but phone is near dead.

Me: Wanna use mine?

Alyssa: I might need to, thank you.

Me: Just let me know and no problem.

 

The B-52's kept playing and the shrooms kept kicking in, hard. WingMan and Alyssa talk some, her and I talk some more. We then realize we need beer, Alyssa hands me $6 and in a sarcastic voice says "Don't be running away with my whole $6 now." Okay this girl I'm starting to like, she likes taking pics, she drinks, and she's sarcastic. Does it get better than that? I then suggest that WingMan goes and gets the beer. He agrees but only if I buy one for him and I too. I give him her cash and mine and he takes off.

 

Her and I talk more and I take some more pics and a video with her camera of the band. WingMan gets back with our beers some 20 minutes later. Alyssa then takes a pic of her and me via WingMan....but with her camera. This isn't good enough for me, so I whisper to WingMan that I am going to give him my camera and he is to get a pic of her and I together. He waits for the perfect time and then says "Hey, let me get a pic of you 2." She agrees and puts her arm around me and I put mine around hers and we lock our heads together. WingMan takes the pic but then claims he "fucked it up" thus results in yet another pic of her a I with my camera.

 

FLAWLESS! Score 10 pts. for WingMan, now he's really starting to shine!

 

Now it's time for me to act, I ask Alyssa for her number but she won't give it to me so I give her mine instead. 15-20 minutes later I had her number. She tells me to txt her my facebook address that she is going to upload the pics to her facebook and she will befriend me on there so I can get the pics too. I do this without any hesitation whatsoever.

 

Alyssa then says she has to pee, I say well I do too and that I can accompany her to the nearest public shitter. I tell WingMan to stay put that we will return. Off we go to smell that smelly smell of fecal matter piled up in some kind of toilet liquid. On our way to the toilets, we run into Alyssa's sister and her friend. I let them all talk for a minute then Alyssa tells me to come over to her. I goto her and she introduces me to her sister "Amy" and her sisters friend "Haylee". I say "Oh wow, Amy hu? That name isn't going to be hard to forget!" I seem to be cursed as I cannot get away from meeting people named Amy. The irony there.

 

So I walk with 3 hotties to the toilets and we do our business, what happens next almost made me laugh, but not quite.

 

Alyssa: Hey, we have to get back into the crowd, we have a spot saved.

Me: She's right, we have a reservation up in the crowd so let's go.

Amy: How?

Me: My buddy is up there, we told him to wait for us.

Alyssa: Yeah, what's his name? Mark?

Me: No, it's WingMan.

Haylee: Oh okay, cool.

Alyssa: Well let's go. Jeff you lead the way.

Me: What? You're the hot chic, you go first.

 

Alyssa then turns to the other girls and shakes her head no.

 

Me: Fine, fuck it, let's go.

 

By now the shrooms are making feel like I just joined the Marines. So I lead us to where the crowd is, however we are stopped by a line with yellow flags on it. "Well it looks like we have to go around." I say. We walk around and make our way back to WingMan. Train is up next to perform. Train gets on stage and WingMan, Alyssa, and myself are 2-3 people ahead of Amy and Haylee. I ask Alyssa what her sisters friend name is again and she tells me. I turn around and say "Haylee! Wanna come up here?" She looks at Amy and then proceeds to walk my way.

 

Train put on an awesome so, but it didn't mount up to Alice n Chains. While Train was on stage some moron decides to crowd surf, I disapprove of this and shove the asshole the other way. So WingMan starts talking to Haylee, I talk to Amy some, and Alyssa some more. Alyssa then feels the need to get out of the crowd, I ask if she wants me to go with her for she might need a water, but she says she's got it and decides to go solo. I'm not one to argue with a very attractive girl so I say it's cool and let her go.

 

WingMan and I are still hanging with Amy and Haylee, I don't know what time it is by now but we started hanging out with these girls before it got dark and it was dark. As it turns out Haylee is 26 and I can't remember how old Amy was, 27 maybe? They didn't look a day past 21. I then hear someone asking about pot (I don't know if it was Haylee or Amy or another random girl they were talking to because well I was at my peak with the shrooms and didn't care about much but music) and remember the joint WingMan and I had smoked prior to comeing in. I turn to WingMan and say "I fucking told you we should have saved that joint!"

 

After Train was done playing we all decided to leave the crowd, I have to pee again so we make it back to the main strip. I figure that this would be a good time to get Amy's number, just in case Alyssa's phone died because she wasn't txting me back, so I do so. WingMan and I head to porto-o-shits.

With that out the way, we decided that we need some food so I buy us a $10 plate of nachos. It was good and it was a lot but not worth $10, sorry. By now, GooGoo Dolls were going to take the stage soon, so we eat our nachos and head back toward the stage.

 

Upon reaching the main strip again, (with GooGoo Dolls already on stage) we stumble upon Alyssa, Amy, and Haylee sitting on the curb so we stop to say hello and of course ask as to why they aren't up in the crowd. I sit next to Alyssa and WingMan sits next to Haylee with Amy in the middle. Alyssa tells me that she's sorry for bolting like that but she felt like she was about to suffocate. Alyssa then whips out her cam and starts taking pics like it's and episode of Candid Camera, just random pics she took, which was cool because I like taking random pics myself.

 

I talk to Alyssa some and it turns out that she's lived in Buckhead Georgia before, which was about 30-40 minutes from where I grew up. It also turns out that she graduated high school in 1997 which was a year before I did. It also turns out that she's a law student. Okay not only is this girl my age, cool as shit and hot as hell (yes I have pics to prove this, however I won't get them back from being developed for a week), but she's smart as fuck too! Can this get anymore surreal? Oh I do think it can, after all I'm Stoney Stonerman bitch! The king of random happenings and unreal surrealness.

 

I then conjure up a scheme to get a group photo with my last pic on my one-time-use cam. I tell WingMan that he has more confidence than I and that I will give him the cam and when the time is right call a group photo. This worked out well except for WingMan forgot to tell the random girl that took the group pic of all 5 of us to turn on the flash, no matter there was light just not a lot.

 

Now it's around 10:30pm and the shrooms are wearing thin. Not to worry, for hot chics have been hanging out with us all night. You know it amazes me, every time I do shrooms or neXus (or get drunk for that matter) something happens, whether it be good or bad. In this case, I am going to go with good....for now.

The girls decide that they are going to leave as they have a 45 min - 1 hr drive ahead of them. Alyssa hugs me, (tight I may add) and tells me thanks for looking out for her and that to look for her on facebook or vica versa, that's she's addicted to the shit and will get on when she gets home. (No, she still hasn't added me so I guess I will have to add her).

 

We say our goodbyes and they leave. WingMan and I stay until GooGoo Dolls are playing their last song then we start to leave (go figure, this always happens to me, I can never finish a fucking Crawfish Boil concert! BLASPHEMY AGAIN!)

 

It's now 11:10-20pm and WingMan and I start treking back to my car which is parked 2 blocks away. We are recalling the uncanny events of the night that how in the hell did 2 schmucks like us could possibly end up hanging out with 3 hotties the entire night almost, much less get their numbers.

 

We walk a block and proceed to the next where my car is. What happened next I can't even imagine as to why, due to the fact that the night was going well, but was about to end on a real shitty note. Upon approaching my car, we see some low lifes standing on the side of the park by steps leading up to a tennis court or basket ball court or some kind of court I don't fucking know as the shrooms had almost completely worn off.

 

We think nothing of it and keep going toward my car. No sooner do I reach into my pocket to get my car keys (yes my car was THAT close to me) do I feel something painful on the back of my head, I stumble backwards and nearly fall down, this is when LowLife #1 hits me in the head again with I don't know what (I think it was either a beer bottle, a pipe because WingMan said he got hit with a pipe, or the watch I found), and I fall down.

 

NOTE: I am NOT a racist person, for God has taught me not to me. However, I think since this bullshit happened to me that I am free to be racist here, God will forgive me just this once I'm sure.

 

There were 5 of these shit-for-brains so 3 shitbags jumped on me and started beating me feeling around my pockets, and 2 try to get WingMan (but he ran off and found a cop, as I learned later) at this point I'm screaming "HELP" and "I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!" repeatedly at the top of my lungs. Of course nobody hears this but the coons, which to my utter shock didn't say one fucking word the whole time they were beating me. I have no idea where WingMan is as I can only see apes and ape fists at this point. I was so disoriented from the blows to the head that I could not get up and fight back, all I could do was try to get away. What a bunch of lowlife scum, I hope the cops end up killing all 5 of them or at least throwing them in jail with a homosexual rapist.

 

I thought that this was it, I was going to die at the hands of some crackhead, but it was not my time and God knew this so he let me get away with minor-medium injuries. Finally, after struggling with me for who knows how long, they stop beating me and run off. But, without getting anything from me! They didn't take my phone, car keys or wallet which had $10 in cash in it, well they did beat my ass pretty good. They'd knocked my glasses off me so I try to find them. I find my glasses, but I also find one of their ghetto bling bling gold watches and pick it up, which didn't even work. Figures (I kept it anyway to show to the cop but he didn't seem to care). As I stand up, my face is covered in blood, as are my shirt and shorts.

 

I then run to my car, get in and lock the doors. With my head pounding pouring out blood, I grab napkins from my console and start wiping my face and trying to figure out what in the hell just happened. As I am doing this, a cop pulls up. I jump out of car and so does he and starts talking to me. I explain to him what happened and gave the best description I could which wasn't much because it was dark and they were all niglets and well they all look the same at night. I remember one tall of with a white shirt on and black pants, that's about it.

 

More cops come and so do fire men. WingMan appears out of nowhere with a hurt arm, he said they tried to get him on the head too but he reached back and blocked it with his arm so the pipe the nigger that hit him, hit him on the arm resulting in his arm being possibly fractured. The cop that originally found me and filled out the report (too late I might add) was cool as shit as were the other cops, probably because they were all white.

 

I will now tell you WingMan's side of the story, so I will which to "WingMan View Mode"....sort of. After he'd blocked a blow to the head with his arm, he managed to run away with 2 jungle bunnies chasing after him. He ran to the next block or 2 where he found the cop that had first responded to the scene (the same cop that I had first contact with). He told the cop what was going on and the cop bolted over to me. Score more pts. for WingMan here, even though he was just being a good friend rather than a WingMan.

 

Back to "Jeff View Mode". The fire man paramedics were looking at me and advised that I goto the hospital. Not really feeling any pain, I ask if that was really needed as they looked at my head (still bleeding by the way) and said they didn't see anything life threatening. They advised me again that I needed to goto the hospital, I agree but no way am I taking an ambulance with my shitty insurance. They agree to let WingMan drive me, for this is the cheaper way of getting there.

 

One of the cops asked me if I had a hand gun and a permit for it. I told her no and that we'd just come from the concert anyway and that weapons were not allowed or else I would have been carrying my knife. The cops then went aside to go do cop like business, while they couldn't hear us one of the fire men goes "hey man, cool shirt" (I was wearing my NORML t-shirt). I tell him he must know what NORML is then. He gave me that look like yes I know what it is, but I'm on the clock and I can't say.

 

The cops come back and tell me that next time I should pay for parking that the parking lots are safer, that we were 1 block into a bad neighborhood. Now I know for next year, gee thanks assholes. One of the fire men ask if the cop wants to go grab a beer in a few days after work. I step in and say "I sure could use a cold one right now." They all laugh.

 

The fire men leave and the cops talk to me and WingMan a little longer and then dismiss us. I hand WingMan the keys because even though I could drive fine even with my head still spewing out blood, I didn't want the cops to see this. We make our way back to the hardware store where WingMan left his car, he gets out and I tell him that my head won't stop bleeding that I need to get to the hospital.

 

Now if karma isn't a bitch, I don't know what is. Oh wait yes I do, those asshole pussies who jumped me. I remembered that when I goto concerts I take a different wallet and just carry cash and my ID on me, which meant...FUCK my insurance card is at my house. Good thing I don't live far from the hardware store.

I get home and walk in and my roommate asks what the fuck happened to me, I tell him I'd been mugged and that I'm about to goto the hospital. He tells me I have a huge cut on the top of my head, takes a pic of it with his iphone and shows it to me. GREAT HOLY JESUS! I had a half the size of my pinky finger cut in my head. No wonder it was still bleeding after all this time.

 

Here's how Marine-like badass I am, not only did I go home to get my insurance card, but while I was at home started doing other random shit, I don't know why. After that, I leave and get this great idea that I should stop by the bank first and make a deposit, all the while my head still bleeding but not as bad as it was due to the paramedic giving me some guase.

 

Finally, I get the hospital at around 1:10am after 15 minutes of trying to find a parking spot, I hate Birmingham. I walk in and there is a cop working a metal detector. Is Birmingham that full of pill heads that they are afraid of someone robbing a fucking hospital? Again, I hate Birmingham.

 

Passing the metal detector, I make my way to the front desk where to guy says "Can I help you?" No, I'm just bleeding out of my skull and my face is all bloody because I wanted to wear my halloween costume 5 months early, man people are daft. I tell him that I need to see a doctor ASAP. He tells me to sit down and enters all my info in a computer, puts guase and tape on my head and gives me an ice pack and lets me clean my face off.

I have to wait 20 minutes before seeing a doctor, and even then all he does is enter more shit into a computer and ask me questions. I was then told that once a room is available I will be called. So back to the waiting room I go.

 

An hour, maybe and hour and half pass before a room is available, like they only have 2 rooms in the whole place or something. I get to my room and wait more, finally the doctor comes in. He tells me this and asks me that. He then cleans my head off and looks at it and tells me that I will need staples. Yes staples like actual staples, not stitches. He leaves and comes back with a needle and some liquid in a bottle. He explains that he can do this one or 2 ways, 1 way is to just put the staples in, the other is to inject me with a numbing agent (which is what was in the bottle) then put the staples in.

 

I ask him how bad it hurts without the numbing agent. He tells me "like a staple going into your skin". Being in enough pain already I didn't need more so I go with the numbing agent. He sticks a needled in my head a few spots, which hurt but I'm glad I took it because he put 4 or 5 staples in my skull which would have been very very very painful. My head has stopped bleeding but I have a huge knot in the back of my head and in the front near my eyebrow....why me?

 

The doctor then recommends I get a CAT scan done. Sure, why not? I mean I might as well, afterall I'm in the E.R. for a head injury and I've never had a CAT scan before, sounds like a gas! Isn't my life grand?

This takes more time than it should have and after the CAT scan I get wheeled back to my room and then I am told it's X-ray time, joy. After X-rays I'm back in my room, by now it's 5 or 6:00am and I'm so tired I try to sleep but can't due to all the people walking around and machines making noise.

 

The nurse comes in with my discharge papers, and tells me they gave a prescription with no refills for Darvocet, whatever the shit that is but if it'll make my head stop hurting then sign me up. By the time everything was done, paper work and all I had spent a total of 7 hours nearly in the E.R. I went in when it was dark and came out to daylight greeting me.

 

Now I REALLY hate Birmingham.

Jeff Goes to Doctor, Learns He Has Herpes

Posted on September 16, 2010 at 3:59 AM Comments comments (0)

Date Occurred: June 2010

Date Written: June 2010

 

About 6-7 months ago, while I was dating AmyTheEx (if you don't know who AmyTheEx is then you didn't read my story called Jeff Gets Engaged, Ends Badly which is no longer on the internet, but will be in my book) I noticed that I had some rather odd looking flesh colored spots on my genitals, as well as some itchy spots on my ankle.  Oh great, I thought she'd given me some funky STI because of the way the spots were clustered.   Three months later (March 2010) I goto the doctor, he tells me to put this over the counter stuff called polysporin on it. That didn't help. I went back to the doctor to get the staples removed from my head (read my story The Night I Cheated Death....Again), while there I tell him that I still have these spots on my penis. He tells me that it's not herpes but could be HPV. Great, my luck has come back and struck me in the ass yet again.

 

Being my main doctor, he wasn't quite sure what it was and decided that I should be sent off to the dermatologist. Okay great, maybe he knows what it is and how to get rid of it. A week before I am suppose to goto the skin doctor, I notice a patch of red sore but itchy like clusters on my back side where my back meets my anus. Thinking it was some kind of odd bug bite I decided to put polysporin and cortizone cream on it, to no help at all.

 

I arrive at the skin doctor on my scheduled date (half stoned) and to my surprise I didn't have to wait very long..., shocking! I get called back by a spinner chick nurse aka hot nurse which directs me toward the room I am to wait in for the doctor to see me. I am in that room not long when I hear a knock at the door and I see the same hot nurse enter. Now if you know me, I can only talk to hot girls when I'm drunk, otherwise I sit in silence and stumble over my words when I do talk. That noted, as she sits down and starts writing asking me all those medical questions that the nurse always asks you before the doctor sees you, I notice she didn't have a ring on her finger. Surely a woman of this hotness at least has a boyfriend...or girlfriend if that's her game. Not being drunk, I didn't ask.

 

I tell her that I have a rash on my ankle, on my lower back, and on my genitals. I showed her the crap on my ankle because she gave me that look like "Okay, I'm the nurse show me the shit so I can tell the doctor what it looks like". I wanted to ask her if she wants to see the crap on my penis, but then I didn't. Instead she finished up and told me the doctor will be in soon. More waiting happens and finally the doctor comes in. He sits down and asks me what I have going on. I love it when doctors get right to the fucking point. I tell him that I have a rash on my ankle (which he ended up giving me some kind of foot creme for), my lower back, and on my penis. I show him the shit on my ankle first. I then show him my back next, the conversation went like this:

 

TheDoc: Okay what else do you have?

Me: (Pulling down pants) Well, I don't know but it's right here.

TheDoc: (In a little shock) How long has that been there?

Me: Uh, 4 to 5 days now.

TheDoc: (Still in slight shock) That's herpes.

 

I then take a split second to talk to myself inside my own head...."Jeff, you've never received anal sex, your ass is 120% exit only, you're 200% heterosexual, how the fuck do you have herpes and near your ass for that matter? Did you get raped by some drunk fuck in your sleep? Did you get raped by some hot drunk chick in your sleep? That'd be pretty cool, but how in the world does shit like this happen to you?" I hate karma at times.

 

After snapping back to reality (and removing my heart from my throat) I start to get some answers:

 

Me: H..herpes? What? How?

TheDoc: It's not the herpes you're thinking of, the oral or genital herpes, it's more like shingles, shingles is a type of herpes did you know that?

Me: No I didn't, but I've heard of shingles.

TheDoc: It's very common, my niece had it, she's young too.

 

What being young has to do with having herpes I haven't a clue, but I know I'm not that young, I'm 31 almost for fucks sake.

 

TheDoc: Is that all, what else do you have?

Me: (Pulling pants down again) Well I have these spots on my penis.

TheDoc: No, that's nothing it looks normal.

Me: So that's not HPV?

TheDoc: No, those are just small glads.

 

Since when do glands look like little red flesh colored dots? Oh well, he's the one with the doctrine, not me. He gave me a prescription for Valtrex, which makes/made me think/feel like I'm on one of those TV commericals.


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