The Loser Jeff Stories

Jeff Goes Bowling

Date Occured: August 2010

Date Written: August 2010

While at work one Saturday afternoon, I get a call from Jay asking if I wanted to come over and find something to do. This sounded excellent, however I was indeed at work and couldn't party until I was able to leave. Some hours later (about 8pm that night), I get off work and head to the gas station and buy an 18 pack of beer before heading home. While at home I call Jay and tell him that I'm off work now and free to get into some mishaps. He tells me to wait 30-40 minutes as him and his wife (JaysWife) will be home then. This gives me time to drink a beer or 3 and smoke a bowl.

I get to Jay's place with my opened 18 pack of beer and a little tipsy. I drink more beer as we decide what we want to do as it's Saturday night and I have tomorrow off so I had partying on the brain. We sit a little longer and finally one of us (I think it was JaysWife), decides that we should go bowling. This sounds wonderful to me and I offer to pick up the tab, however I need a different shirt to wear. Instead of wasting precious beer drinking time and going back to my house for a shirt, Jay lends me one of his. I drink more beer and then we drive 30 minutes to the cheap bowling alley, by now I'm buzzed hard and ready to drink more. We walk in and to my amazement, this bowling alley as kind of a bar area attached to it. We goto the bar area first and I get a long island ice tea and a pitcher of beer.

We head out of the bar (with drinks in hand) and go get a lane. Now I must tell you, I'm not too good at bowling...when sober. As I drink my long island I pour myself a cup of beer. I bowl some, doing shitty of course, then drink more. I finish my long island and half the pitcher, and I'm pretty drunk at this point, but now I must pee. I tell Jay to bowl for me while nature is calling. I head to the bathroom and see some hot chicks walk by as I'm making a B-line to the toilet because I can't contain myself any longer. I then take a mental break inside my head:

"Jeff, you should go talk to those girls."

"No Jeff, you have to pee...bad, goto the bathroom first then talk to girls, this way you won't be doing the peepee dance infront of them making a complete moron out of yourself."

I snap back to reality and realize that my bladder isn't getting any bigger and decide that the best case scenario in this type of situation is to infact go pee. I do this, but not before I walk by one of the hot girls and yell "YOU'RE HOT!". She turns and looks at me, kinda smiles a little, then keeps walking.

In the bathroom I find some old guy trying to tell me that the soap they use in there isn't really bathroom soap that it's something else. It looked like a jar of jelly to me. I talk to the guy some more and bring up the topic I like talking about best...pot! He tells me that the pot back in the 60's or 70's was awesome. I asked him if it was better then or now, he said then. Which I can't believe because the shit going around now, some of it will put hair back on your chest. I finally decided to leave the bathroom, and when I do I see 4 cops outside in the hallway. One notices the shirt I'm wearing which says "Stoned to the Bone" on it with a skull smoking one. He turns to his buddies and says "hey, check out his shirt". One cop was like "cool", the others just kinda laughed. I told them that they were cool cops.

As I was walking back to my lane (and beer), I notice that this particular bowling establishment has a "ball room" type room (I call it a party room), located near the bathroom. I saw the door was open so I popped my head in and see hot chicks dancing...with dudes of course. Never the less, being as drunk as I was I hold up my thumb and go "YYEEAAAH!" then I proceed back to bowling. I have no idea what my score is as Jay has been bowling for me and I'm drunk. Jay and I finish the pitcher of beer and ask him if he wants another, he tells me okay and off I goto the bar. I come back with another pitcher of beer and a jack and coke for myself. I drink the jack and coke while downing the beer. I bowl some more and to my surprise I'm actually doing better, now that I'm near shithoused. I never would have thought that I could bowl so well while being piss ass drunk...amazing.

Right before the game was over (and the place closing for that matter), I notice some dude running with his arms up back to his lane like he'd just won the Special Olympics. I couldn't help but go inquire, because Madonna's Material Girl came over the speakers.

Me: Hey dude, you like Madonna?

SomeCat: HEY!!

Me: COOL!! She's so 1980's!

Me: Hey man, how old are you?

SomeCat: 18

Me (with shock in my eyes): Uhhh okay cool.

SomeCat: Well you have a good night.

Me (walkinging away): Uuhh you too.

I get back to my lane and it's my turn, I end up getting 2 gutter balls. BOLLOCKS! We finish the game, but I don't remember who won, I just know it wasn't me even though I was doing well for awhile. Jay and JaysWife go hand in shoes and go outside to the car to smoke (I think that's what happened). I finish my beer and go hand in my shoes, but as I'm leaving I notice a guy that works there playing around with a trashbag and trash can. I decided to ask him a very important question:

Me: Hey man, you look cool, do you smoke pot?

SomeDude: Uhm well maybe, it depends.

Me (showing tattoo): Dude, I'm cool I just wanted to know man.

SomeDude: Well I do, but not right now.

Me: Okay well, here's my number, the name's Stoney.

SomeDude: Stoney?

Me: Yeah man that's me!

SomeDude: Okay Stoney.

My phone then started ringing and it was Jay, but I was too far into this drunk conversation about pot to care...until I saw him coming towards me. I tell SomeDude that I must now depart as this guy walking rather fast towards me is my ride. By now I'm entirely SHITHOUSED (I'm talking the room spinning with 1 eye open, 2 was just too much). We get half way home when I start to feel that ever not so good feeling in your stomach you get after you've drank a shitfucks load of alcohol feeling. I roll down the window, hold my head out and just harf like I've never harfed before. There were 3 phases of it, phase one wasn't too bad (even though I hadn't had much to eat that day), phase 2 put me down, phase 3 overkilled me.

We get back to Jay's place and more puking occurs, first on the concrete by JaysWife's car, then in their kitchen trash can, then 30 minutes in their toilet. This shit was worse than when I drank Green Dragon before the Crawfish Boil. I was THAT drunk. I pass out (one time almost with head in the toilet, but then mustered the strength to get to the couch), and wake up around 10:40am and find a shoe missing as I'm trying to leave. I find it by the dog...shoe lace half chewn to hell.

I grab what's left of my beer and head out the door. On the drive home I felt like a fucking zombie...literally. I was still a little drunk, but not and and little hung over, but not. It was the strangest alcohol related feeling I've never had. I get home and get in bed, where I stayed the rest of the fucking day.