The Loser Jeff Stories

EDITORS NOTE: This story is the end(ing) to my story Girlfriend Follies - Beginnings (which I haven't written yet as of 09.16.2010), read this at your own risk. I'm doing this story a little different this time. I'm starting it at the end (pretty much the very end really) and then writting the beginning & middle, so the 2 will tell a full complete 180 degree story when all said and done. With that said, there will be little to no background information on who is who and what's going on, etc. I just had to write this up as soon as I could because it's just too crazy and unreal 4 times over.

I was sitting around jacking off or whatever it was that was I doing the other day when I get a text message from none other than...CrazyCarla! At first I thought, now why in Sam Hells name is she txting me? I thought that if I txt back, it could be dangerous for not only my mental health but for the sake of having my friends yell at me (which they still might after reading this). I also thought that it might be good material for a story (and it sure as fuck was). I decided to txt back.

Copied verbatim from my cell phone.

Her Txt: Hey Uhm. . Are you willing to come over sometime really soon..? Its important.

My Txt: Why? Give details. The phone works too ya know

Her Txt: Well Uhm okay.. Just sayin, its important. Would you rather me just call you? Or just text?

My Txt: I'd perfer you call.

And call she did, with some really crazy as fuck off the rocker news too, as you're about to read if you want to.

Her: Okay uhm, yeah, I'm pregnant and I'm keeping it.

Me: Uuuuhhh okay? When did you find this out?

Her: Sunday

Me: Okay well it's been a month to a month and a half nearly since we were together, so it's not mine.

Her: Actually it could be yours or DrunkDudes, I'm about a month pregnant and I slept with you one night and him the next.

Me: ...

I hope he liked the sloppy seconds.

Me (shaking head and putting face in palm): Great, so there's a chance it could be mine then.

Her: Yeah..

Her: It's what I get for being a slut.

Me: Wait, how could it be mine? We used condoms.

Her: No, we only used condoms 2 or 3 times, we didn't use them all the time.

I'm going to have to rebute that statement. I ALWAYS use a condom (except under very strict circumstances). Are you fucking kidding me Carla? I was a teenager in the 1990's and AIDS was at full force, thus it was drilled in my head to always wrap it up (plus I'm paranoid of STIs). I even told her this in a txt message during our relationship, so therefore every time I stuck it to her hard, I had a rubber on hands down.

Me: Are you sure you're not getting me mixed up with DrunkDude?

Her: No, because him and I didn't use condoms at all.

BINGO!

Me (playing along): So uhhh if you don't know whos it is, get a materinty test or paternity test, whatever it's called.

Her: I can't, it's bad for the baby. I won't know whos it is until it's born.

Me (with eyes as big as the fucking moon): Uuuuuhhh oookay.

Her: Yeah, so I'm going to the doctor next week to see how far along I am.

Me: Okay well I don't know what to say so I think I'm going to go and think about shit, let me know how that goes.

I hang up the phone in a kind of panic and call a few friends, they tell me not to worry about it (which I'm not). I then start thinking about the entire conversation, when we had sex last, and what all happened. Now, there is a chance that the child is mine, I won't say no to that because nature does work strangly, but here are the facts:

1. Her and I did use condoms every time we had sex, the kind with spermicide on them too.

2. I never came inside of her, with or without a condom on.

3. I came in an area on her that would NOT result in pregnancy.

4. We only had sex twice the night before she fucked DrunkDude, one of the times she swallowed, so no pregnancy there.

5. She didn't use condoms at all with him.

So with all that meantioned, if the kid is mine, then I have some super ultra special mutant sperm that the government needs (and every infertile man wishes they had) to pay me large amounts of money to get their hands on for metabolic science research and possible world re-awesoming.