|Posted on September 16, 2010 at 3:59 AM|
Date Occurred: June 2010
Date Written: June 2010
About 6-7 months ago, while I was dating AmyTheEx (if you don't know who AmyTheEx is then you didn't read my story called Jeff Gets Engaged, Ends Badly which is no longer on the internet, but will be in my book) I noticed that I had some rather odd looking flesh colored spots on my genitals, as well as some itchy spots on my ankle. Oh great, I thought she'd given me some funky STI because of the way the spots were clustered. Three months later (March 2010) I goto the doctor, he tells me to put this over the counter stuff called polysporin on it. That didn't help. I went back to the doctor to get the staples removed from my head (read my story The Night I Cheated Death....Again), while there I tell him that I still have these spots on my penis. He tells me that it's not herpes but could be HPV. Great, my luck has come back and struck me in the ass yet again.
Being my main doctor, he wasn't quite sure what it was and decided that I should be sent off to the dermatologist. Okay great, maybe he knows what it is and how to get rid of it. A week before I am suppose to goto the skin doctor, I notice a patch of red sore but itchy like clusters on my back side where my back meets my anus. Thinking it was some kind of odd bug bite I decided to put polysporin and cortizone cream on it, to no help at all.
I arrive at the skin doctor on my scheduled date (half stoned) and to my surprise I didn't have to wait very long..., shocking! I get called back by a spinner chick nurse aka hot nurse which directs me toward the room I am to wait in for the doctor to see me. I am in that room not long when I hear a knock at the door and I see the same hot nurse enter. Now if you know me, I can only talk to hot girls when I'm drunk, otherwise I sit in silence and stumble over my words when I do talk. That noted, as she sits down and starts writing asking me all those medical questions that the nurse always asks you before the doctor sees you, I notice she didn't have a ring on her finger. Surely a woman of this hotness at least has a boyfriend...or girlfriend if that's her game. Not being drunk, I didn't ask.
I tell her that I have a rash on my ankle, on my lower back, and on my genitals. I showed her the crap on my ankle because she gave me that look like "Okay, I'm the nurse show me the shit so I can tell the doctor what it looks like". I wanted to ask her if she wants to see the crap on my penis, but then I didn't. Instead she finished up and told me the doctor will be in soon. More waiting happens and finally the doctor comes in. He sits down and asks me what I have going on. I love it when doctors get right to the fucking point. I tell him that I have a rash on my ankle (which he ended up giving me some kind of foot creme for), my lower back, and on my penis. I show him the shit on my ankle first. I then show him my back next, the conversation went like this:
TheDoc: Okay what else do you have?
Me: (Pulling down pants) Well, I don't know but it's right here.
TheDoc: (In a little shock) How long has that been there?
Me: Uh, 4 to 5 days now.
TheDoc: (Still in slight shock) That's herpes.
I then take a split second to talk to myself inside my own head...."Jeff, you've never received anal sex, your ass is 120% exit only, you're 200% heterosexual, how the fuck do you have herpes and near your ass for that matter? Did you get raped by some drunk fuck in your sleep? Did you get raped by some hot drunk chick in your sleep? That'd be pretty cool, but how in the world does shit like this happen to you?" I hate karma at times.
After snapping back to reality (and removing my heart from my throat) I start to get some answers:
Me: H..herpes? What? How?
TheDoc: It's not the herpes you're thinking of, the oral or genital herpes, it's more like shingles, shingles is a type of herpes did you know that?
Me: No I didn't, but I've heard of shingles.
TheDoc: It's very common, my niece had it, she's young too.
What being young has to do with having herpes I haven't a clue, but I know I'm not that young, I'm 31 almost for fucks sake.
TheDoc: Is that all, what else do you have?
Me: (Pulling pants down again) Well I have these spots on my penis.
TheDoc: No, that's nothing it looks normal.
Me: So that's not HPV?
TheDoc: No, those are just small glads.
Since when do glands look like little red flesh colored dots? Oh well, he's the one with the doctrine, not me. He gave me a prescription for Valtrex, which makes/made me think/feel like I'm on one of those TV commericals.