The Loser Jeff Stories

Things you didn't want to know about me and not much more.

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The Night I Cheated Death....Again

Posted on September 16, 2010 at 4:09 AM

Date Occured: May 2010

Date Written: May 2010


I've cheated death before, who hasn't? I've actually done it 4 times now over the years starting when I was age 4 or 5 when a hammer fell 4 feet and hit me right in the forehead, I came out with a just a bruised knot. However, this time was so unreal it was well..., unreal. As I said in my last story, there is a concert here held every year called the Crawfish Boil. This story takes place on day 2 of the massive event.


NOTE: My spelling and grammar might be a little off at certain points in this story, so blow me, I'm on darvocet (yes I have a prescription for it).


I couldn't find anyone to go with me for day 2 and the concert started at 2:00pm. At 2:00pm I call up my buddy "WingMan" and ask if he wants to go if I pay for his ticket. He agrees but needs to do some shit first, I tell him to hurry because the thing has already started.


2:52pm - I call WingMan and tell him I am leaving the house, he says he is doing the same and to meet at the local hardware store.


3:17pm - I arrive at said hardware store with a 6 pack of beer and a joint for us and 1.7 grams of shrooms for myself.


4:47pm - WingMan finally shows up, I'm not getting into the mishap that held him up for nearly and hour and a half, because well it pissed me off but wasn't his fault really.


5:10-20pm - We arrive at the Crawfish Boil and me being jewish decided to not park where you have to pay, instead I find a nice crackhead neighborhood street to park on. Which was fine because a lot of other people

were parking there too.


5:30pm - We down the 6 pack of beer and I take the shrooms. I wanted to save the joint for the concert but WingMan was jonesin' bad and was paranoid about bringing it in, so we smoke it.


5:40pm - We arrive at the ticket booth, I see a hot chic behind the counter and proceed to buy a ticket from her, however he cockblocking coworker dude asks if he can help me first....bollocks!


5:43pm - We arrive at the enterance where they take your ticket. The guy taking tickets asks me if I have any weapons on me. I tell him no, that I'm a stoner. He tells me to have a great day.


5:48pm - Shrooms kicking in, a little tipsy, and stoned. WingMan wants to know the stage lineup so I advise a plan to ask someone working a food stand or go back to the gate. He does this and gets no dice, I then resort to plan B...ask a random hot girl.


5:51pm - Here is where WingMan starts to slightly shine. 2 hotties walk right by us and he just says "Hey, excuse me!" They stop and turn to us, I then take the controls.


Me: Do you 2 know who just played?

TrueBlonde: You mean who has already been on?

Me (with blank palm to face type stare): Uhh, yeah...

TrueBlonde: Oh it was Jason Derula and I think uhm Jay shaun.

Me: Okay cool so we didn't miss much.

TrueBlondesFriend: Nah, you're good. I think the B-52's are up next and then Train and then GooGoo Dolls.

WingMan: Okay thank you.

Me: Thanks.


By this time the shrooms are kicking in good and WingMan has to pee, and well I could use a good sniff of the public shitters myself. As I'm coming out the port-o-toilets I hear a girl say "Does green on the door mean I can go in?" I laugh and tell her "Yes, green means go, it works just like a traffic light."


After our piss break we just decided to wander around because the next band isn't on stage yet. As we are walking aimlessly around scoping out hotties, I see WingMan go up to a t-shirt vendor. Knowing he has no money I wonder what in the fuck he's doing. He comes back to me and goes "Okay man B-52's are up next, then Train, then GooGoo Dolls." I bust out in laughter and say "Man, you are stoned because remember those 2 hotties you stopped? They already told us the lineup, so thanks for finding out shit we already know."


More aimless walking takes place and then I hear a familiar voice coming from the stage area, it was Kate Pearson of the B-52's. I grab WingMan and head toward the stage. We get about 20-25 yards away from the stage, excellent view too I might add.


WingMan being the awesome wingman he is, spies a hot girl right next to me (I didn't see her as I was too into the music because on a shroom trip, music overwhelms you and takes you into it like it's another world, it's purely magical) trying to take a picture but she can't because she's too short.


WingMan taps me on the shoulder and whispers in my ear "Jeff, see that girl, she is trying to take a picture, ask her if she wants some help since you're tall." I ponder this in my head as to how it will turn out if I go in and say something completely stupid which I've been known to do at times of being under the influence of certain things. I hesitate and hesitate, and just when I thought my chance was lost WingMan says "GO, DO IT!" I turn to my right and and open my mouth:


Me: Hey uhm do you want me to take a pic for you?

CoolHotGirl: Yes! Oh that would be awesome! Thank you!

Me: It's no problem.


Score 1 for WingMan on my behalf.


Me: Okay, how many do you want?

CoolHotGirl: Uh, as many as you want to take.


I get 3 decent pics of the B-52's and hand her camera back to her.


CoolHotGirl: Thanks! I may ask you again for another pic or so.

Me: That's fine.

Me: So what's your name?

CoolHotGirl: "Alyssa"

Me: Right on, I'm Jeff.

Alyssa: Jeff?

Me: Yes, J E F F

Alyssa: Sorry I can't really hear and I'm a little drunk.

Me: Oh it's all good.

Alyssa: Yeah I am here with my sister and her friend but I lost them.

Me: Oh that sucks, that happened to me last night, not cool.

Alyssa: Yeah, like what the fuck?

Me: I know right?

Me (turning to WingMan): Oh this is my buddy, WingMan.

WingMan: Hey.

Alyssa: Hey, I'm Alyssa.

WingMan (while winking at me): Good to meet you.

Alyssa: So since I don't know where my sister is, you guys are going to adopt me until I find them, okay?

Me: OH that is perfectly fine!

Alyssa: Okay great.

Me: However, have you tried calling your sister?

Alyssa: Yeah but phone is near dead.

Me: Wanna use mine?

Alyssa: I might need to, thank you.

Me: Just let me know and no problem.


The B-52's kept playing and the shrooms kept kicking in, hard. WingMan and Alyssa talk some, her and I talk some more. We then realize we need beer, Alyssa hands me $6 and in a sarcastic voice says "Don't be running away with my whole $6 now." Okay this girl I'm starting to like, she likes taking pics, she drinks, and she's sarcastic. Does it get better than that? I then suggest that WingMan goes and gets the beer. He agrees but only if I buy one for him and I too. I give him her cash and mine and he takes off.


Her and I talk more and I take some more pics and a video with her camera of the band. WingMan gets back with our beers some 20 minutes later. Alyssa then takes a pic of her and me via WingMan....but with her camera. This isn't good enough for me, so I whisper to WingMan that I am going to give him my camera and he is to get a pic of her and I together. He waits for the perfect time and then says "Hey, let me get a pic of you 2." She agrees and puts her arm around me and I put mine around hers and we lock our heads together. WingMan takes the pic but then claims he "fucked it up" thus results in yet another pic of her a I with my camera.


FLAWLESS! Score 10 pts. for WingMan, now he's really starting to shine!


Now it's time for me to act, I ask Alyssa for her number but she won't give it to me so I give her mine instead. 15-20 minutes later I had her number. She tells me to txt her my facebook address that she is going to upload the pics to her facebook and she will befriend me on there so I can get the pics too. I do this without any hesitation whatsoever.


Alyssa then says she has to pee, I say well I do too and that I can accompany her to the nearest public shitter. I tell WingMan to stay put that we will return. Off we go to smell that smelly smell of fecal matter piled up in some kind of toilet liquid. On our way to the toilets, we run into Alyssa's sister and her friend. I let them all talk for a minute then Alyssa tells me to come over to her. I goto her and she introduces me to her sister "Amy" and her sisters friend "Haylee". I say "Oh wow, Amy hu? That name isn't going to be hard to forget!" I seem to be cursed as I cannot get away from meeting people named Amy. The irony there.


So I walk with 3 hotties to the toilets and we do our business, what happens next almost made me laugh, but not quite.


Alyssa: Hey, we have to get back into the crowd, we have a spot saved.

Me: She's right, we have a reservation up in the crowd so let's go.

Amy: How?

Me: My buddy is up there, we told him to wait for us.

Alyssa: Yeah, what's his name? Mark?

Me: No, it's WingMan.

Haylee: Oh okay, cool.

Alyssa: Well let's go. Jeff you lead the way.

Me: What? You're the hot chic, you go first.


Alyssa then turns to the other girls and shakes her head no.


Me: Fine, fuck it, let's go.


By now the shrooms are making feel like I just joined the Marines. So I lead us to where the crowd is, however we are stopped by a line with yellow flags on it. "Well it looks like we have to go around." I say. We walk around and make our way back to WingMan. Train is up next to perform. Train gets on stage and WingMan, Alyssa, and myself are 2-3 people ahead of Amy and Haylee. I ask Alyssa what her sisters friend name is again and she tells me. I turn around and say "Haylee! Wanna come up here?" She looks at Amy and then proceeds to walk my way.


Train put on an awesome so, but it didn't mount up to Alice n Chains. While Train was on stage some moron decides to crowd surf, I disapprove of this and shove the asshole the other way. So WingMan starts talking to Haylee, I talk to Amy some, and Alyssa some more. Alyssa then feels the need to get out of the crowd, I ask if she wants me to go with her for she might need a water, but she says she's got it and decides to go solo. I'm not one to argue with a very attractive girl so I say it's cool and let her go.


WingMan and I are still hanging with Amy and Haylee, I don't know what time it is by now but we started hanging out with these girls before it got dark and it was dark. As it turns out Haylee is 26 and I can't remember how old Amy was, 27 maybe? They didn't look a day past 21. I then hear someone asking about pot (I don't know if it was Haylee or Amy or another random girl they were talking to because well I was at my peak with the shrooms and didn't care about much but music) and remember the joint WingMan and I had smoked prior to comeing in. I turn to WingMan and say "I fucking told you we should have saved that joint!"


After Train was done playing we all decided to leave the crowd, I have to pee again so we make it back to the main strip. I figure that this would be a good time to get Amy's number, just in case Alyssa's phone died because she wasn't txting me back, so I do so. WingMan and I head to porto-o-shits.

With that out the way, we decided that we need some food so I buy us a $10 plate of nachos. It was good and it was a lot but not worth $10, sorry. By now, GooGoo Dolls were going to take the stage soon, so we eat our nachos and head back toward the stage.


Upon reaching the main strip again, (with GooGoo Dolls already on stage) we stumble upon Alyssa, Amy, and Haylee sitting on the curb so we stop to say hello and of course ask as to why they aren't up in the crowd. I sit next to Alyssa and WingMan sits next to Haylee with Amy in the middle. Alyssa tells me that she's sorry for bolting like that but she felt like she was about to suffocate. Alyssa then whips out her cam and starts taking pics like it's and episode of Candid Camera, just random pics she took, which was cool because I like taking random pics myself.


I talk to Alyssa some and it turns out that she's lived in Buckhead Georgia before, which was about 30-40 minutes from where I grew up. It also turns out that she graduated high school in 1997 which was a year before I did. It also turns out that she's a law student. Okay not only is this girl my age, cool as shit and hot as hell (yes I have pics to prove this, however I won't get them back from being developed for a week), but she's smart as fuck too! Can this get anymore surreal? Oh I do think it can, after all I'm Stoney Stonerman bitch! The king of random happenings and unreal surrealness.


I then conjure up a scheme to get a group photo with my last pic on my one-time-use cam. I tell WingMan that he has more confidence than I and that I will give him the cam and when the time is right call a group photo. This worked out well except for WingMan forgot to tell the random girl that took the group pic of all 5 of us to turn on the flash, no matter there was light just not a lot.


Now it's around 10:30pm and the shrooms are wearing thin. Not to worry, for hot chics have been hanging out with us all night. You know it amazes me, every time I do shrooms or neXus (or get drunk for that matter) something happens, whether it be good or bad. In this case, I am going to go with good....for now.

The girls decide that they are going to leave as they have a 45 min - 1 hr drive ahead of them. Alyssa hugs me, (tight I may add) and tells me thanks for looking out for her and that to look for her on facebook or vica versa, that's she's addicted to the shit and will get on when she gets home. (No, she still hasn't added me so I guess I will have to add her).


We say our goodbyes and they leave. WingMan and I stay until GooGoo Dolls are playing their last song then we start to leave (go figure, this always happens to me, I can never finish a fucking Crawfish Boil concert! BLASPHEMY AGAIN!)


It's now 11:10-20pm and WingMan and I start treking back to my car which is parked 2 blocks away. We are recalling the uncanny events of the night that how in the hell did 2 schmucks like us could possibly end up hanging out with 3 hotties the entire night almost, much less get their numbers.


We walk a block and proceed to the next where my car is. What happened next I can't even imagine as to why, due to the fact that the night was going well, but was about to end on a real shitty note. Upon approaching my car, we see some low lifes standing on the side of the park by steps leading up to a tennis court or basket ball court or some kind of court I don't fucking know as the shrooms had almost completely worn off.


We think nothing of it and keep going toward my car. No sooner do I reach into my pocket to get my car keys (yes my car was THAT close to me) do I feel something painful on the back of my head, I stumble backwards and nearly fall down, this is when LowLife #1 hits me in the head again with I don't know what (I think it was either a beer bottle, a pipe because WingMan said he got hit with a pipe, or the watch I found), and I fall down.


NOTE: I am NOT a racist person, for God has taught me not to me. However, I think since this bullshit happened to me that I am free to be racist here, God will forgive me just this once I'm sure.


There were 5 of these shit-for-brains so 3 shitbags jumped on me and started beating me feeling around my pockets, and 2 try to get WingMan (but he ran off and found a cop, as I learned later) at this point I'm screaming "HELP" and "I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!" repeatedly at the top of my lungs. Of course nobody hears this but the coons, which to my utter shock didn't say one fucking word the whole time they were beating me. I have no idea where WingMan is as I can only see apes and ape fists at this point. I was so disoriented from the blows to the head that I could not get up and fight back, all I could do was try to get away. What a bunch of lowlife scum, I hope the cops end up killing all 5 of them or at least throwing them in jail with a homosexual rapist.


I thought that this was it, I was going to die at the hands of some crackhead, but it was not my time and God knew this so he let me get away with minor-medium injuries. Finally, after struggling with me for who knows how long, they stop beating me and run off. But, without getting anything from me! They didn't take my phone, car keys or wallet which had $10 in cash in it, well they did beat my ass pretty good. They'd knocked my glasses off me so I try to find them. I find my glasses, but I also find one of their ghetto bling bling gold watches and pick it up, which didn't even work. Figures (I kept it anyway to show to the cop but he didn't seem to care). As I stand up, my face is covered in blood, as are my shirt and shorts.


I then run to my car, get in and lock the doors. With my head pounding pouring out blood, I grab napkins from my console and start wiping my face and trying to figure out what in the hell just happened. As I am doing this, a cop pulls up. I jump out of car and so does he and starts talking to me. I explain to him what happened and gave the best description I could which wasn't much because it was dark and they were all niglets and well they all look the same at night. I remember one tall of with a white shirt on and black pants, that's about it.


More cops come and so do fire men. WingMan appears out of nowhere with a hurt arm, he said they tried to get him on the head too but he reached back and blocked it with his arm so the pipe the nigger that hit him, hit him on the arm resulting in his arm being possibly fractured. The cop that originally found me and filled out the report (too late I might add) was cool as shit as were the other cops, probably because they were all white.


I will now tell you WingMan's side of the story, so I will which to "WingMan View Mode"....sort of. After he'd blocked a blow to the head with his arm, he managed to run away with 2 jungle bunnies chasing after him. He ran to the next block or 2 where he found the cop that had first responded to the scene (the same cop that I had first contact with). He told the cop what was going on and the cop bolted over to me. Score more pts. for WingMan here, even though he was just being a good friend rather than a WingMan.


Back to "Jeff View Mode". The fire man paramedics were looking at me and advised that I goto the hospital. Not really feeling any pain, I ask if that was really needed as they looked at my head (still bleeding by the way) and said they didn't see anything life threatening. They advised me again that I needed to goto the hospital, I agree but no way am I taking an ambulance with my shitty insurance. They agree to let WingMan drive me, for this is the cheaper way of getting there.


One of the cops asked me if I had a hand gun and a permit for it. I told her no and that we'd just come from the concert anyway and that weapons were not allowed or else I would have been carrying my knife. The cops then went aside to go do cop like business, while they couldn't hear us one of the fire men goes "hey man, cool shirt" (I was wearing my NORML t-shirt). I tell him he must know what NORML is then. He gave me that look like yes I know what it is, but I'm on the clock and I can't say.


The cops come back and tell me that next time I should pay for parking that the parking lots are safer, that we were 1 block into a bad neighborhood. Now I know for next year, gee thanks assholes. One of the fire men ask if the cop wants to go grab a beer in a few days after work. I step in and say "I sure could use a cold one right now." They all laugh.


The fire men leave and the cops talk to me and WingMan a little longer and then dismiss us. I hand WingMan the keys because even though I could drive fine even with my head still spewing out blood, I didn't want the cops to see this. We make our way back to the hardware store where WingMan left his car, he gets out and I tell him that my head won't stop bleeding that I need to get to the hospital.


Now if karma isn't a bitch, I don't know what is. Oh wait yes I do, those asshole pussies who jumped me. I remembered that when I goto concerts I take a different wallet and just carry cash and my ID on me, which meant...FUCK my insurance card is at my house. Good thing I don't live far from the hardware store.

I get home and walk in and my roommate asks what the fuck happened to me, I tell him I'd been mugged and that I'm about to goto the hospital. He tells me I have a huge cut on the top of my head, takes a pic of it with his iphone and shows it to me. GREAT HOLY JESUS! I had a half the size of my pinky finger cut in my head. No wonder it was still bleeding after all this time.


Here's how Marine-like badass I am, not only did I go home to get my insurance card, but while I was at home started doing other random shit, I don't know why. After that, I leave and get this great idea that I should stop by the bank first and make a deposit, all the while my head still bleeding but not as bad as it was due to the paramedic giving me some guase.


Finally, I get the hospital at around 1:10am after 15 minutes of trying to find a parking spot, I hate Birmingham. I walk in and there is a cop working a metal detector. Is Birmingham that full of pill heads that they are afraid of someone robbing a fucking hospital? Again, I hate Birmingham.


Passing the metal detector, I make my way to the front desk where to guy says "Can I help you?" No, I'm just bleeding out of my skull and my face is all bloody because I wanted to wear my halloween costume 5 months early, man people are daft. I tell him that I need to see a doctor ASAP. He tells me to sit down and enters all my info in a computer, puts guase and tape on my head and gives me an ice pack and lets me clean my face off.

I have to wait 20 minutes before seeing a doctor, and even then all he does is enter more shit into a computer and ask me questions. I was then told that once a room is available I will be called. So back to the waiting room I go.


An hour, maybe and hour and half pass before a room is available, like they only have 2 rooms in the whole place or something. I get to my room and wait more, finally the doctor comes in. He tells me this and asks me that. He then cleans my head off and looks at it and tells me that I will need staples. Yes staples like actual staples, not stitches. He leaves and comes back with a needle and some liquid in a bottle. He explains that he can do this one or 2 ways, 1 way is to just put the staples in, the other is to inject me with a numbing agent (which is what was in the bottle) then put the staples in.


I ask him how bad it hurts without the numbing agent. He tells me "like a staple going into your skin". Being in enough pain already I didn't need more so I go with the numbing agent. He sticks a needled in my head a few spots, which hurt but I'm glad I took it because he put 4 or 5 staples in my skull which would have been very very very painful. My head has stopped bleeding but I have a huge knot in the back of my head and in the front near my eyebrow....why me?


The doctor then recommends I get a CAT scan done. Sure, why not? I mean I might as well, afterall I'm in the E.R. for a head injury and I've never had a CAT scan before, sounds like a gas! Isn't my life grand?

This takes more time than it should have and after the CAT scan I get wheeled back to my room and then I am told it's X-ray time, joy. After X-rays I'm back in my room, by now it's 5 or 6:00am and I'm so tired I try to sleep but can't due to all the people walking around and machines making noise.


The nurse comes in with my discharge papers, and tells me they gave a prescription with no refills for Darvocet, whatever the shit that is but if it'll make my head stop hurting then sign me up. By the time everything was done, paper work and all I had spent a total of 7 hours nearly in the E.R. I went in when it was dark and came out to daylight greeting me.


Now I REALLY hate Birmingham.

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