The Loser Jeff Stories

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Jeff Goes to Concert, Hilarity Ensues

Posted on September 16, 2010 at 4:19 AM

Date Occured: April 2010

Date Written: May 2010

 

As some of you may know, (especially if you live in Birmingham) there is a 2 day concert held every year around the end of April and the 1st of May where about 8 or 9 bands play over the course of the 2 days. It's called the Crawfish Boil, and I go every year. This year however, was much different than the last few times I've gone.

 

 

I get to Jay's place around 3pm with a 12 pack of beer and 1 black and mild. Since the concert starts at 4pm, I start pouring beer down my throat as fast as I can due to the fact that beer inside the concert is I shit you not, $6 a beer for a 16oz can. Yep, pure robbery and utter rapings with a sandpaper condom without even getting a reach around if you ask me. So I had the idea of getting shit-housed prior to getting there.

 

Jay, however took this idea and made it better. His idea: We drink some Green Dragon! Now if you don't know what Green Dragon is, you're lucky you're reading this because I won't tell you. Let's just say its main ingredient is 180 proof Everclear. I take a shot first, tastes like nail polish smells. I quickly chase it with beer. Jay takes a shot and can't handle it. After his mishap, he loads me up another shot. Again that familiar nail polish taste in my mouth followed by beer.

 

Jay takes a shot and this time makes it down. He then asks me if I want another shot. OF COURSE I DO! I'm Irish! This time it was only half a shot due to the limited quanities of the Green Dragon. I then pour another 4 beers down my throat (for a total of 5 now).

 

I'm completely shit-housed at this point and by now it's 3:20pm and we have to leave, but not before JaysWife rolls a few J's. At this point I'm wrestling around in my head as to if I should partake in the J smokings at the concert, so I start talking about it (you know since I'm drunk as fuck and I love to talk when drunk). JaysWife steps in and says "Jeff, it's the Crawfish Boil, it happens once a year, give yourself a fuck-it pass for the weekend." I think that this is awesome logic and give myself a guilt-free pass for the concert.

 

Before leaving, I ask Jay how good of a wingman he is. He tells me that the best wingmen are single dudes and since he's married he probably wouldn't mount up to the task. He then proceeds to give me advice on how to talk to women, the conversation went like this:

 

Jay: Dude, you can't just go up to girls and say "Hey! You're a hot chic!" That only works on some girls, mainly ones that are STD ridden or ones that have such a low self esteem that you wouldn't want to touch them anyway because they have all sorts of mental issues.

Me: It worked at the party the other week didn't it? (Read my Jeff Goes to Party, Talks to Hot Girls story if you haven't already, GO NOW!)

JaysWife: Yes, it will work on some girls but most of them will be turned off by it.

Me: Well, it work on my ex girlfriend Annah.

Jay: Yeah, and she probably has 12 STDs.

Me: She didn't when I was fucking her, she probably does by now knowing how big of a whore she was.

 

So then I think, I play things my way and possibly get a phone number or 2 like last time OR keep my mouth shut and play things Jay's way. I decided to heed my friends advice and keep my mouth shut, which I did the entire night and guess how many phone numbers I got? ZERO. Yeah, I'm doing things DrunkJeff way from now on, even if I do make an idiot out of myself at least I still get hot girls phone numbers that way.

 

Nevermind driving, so I left my keys on the table and hopped in JaysWife's car. By now I've reached Tucker Max Drunk. I can hardly keep my eyes open, I looked like a zombie from Dawn of the Dead drooling in the backseat of her car. We get half way there via the interstate and I feel that notso good slush feeling churning around in my stomach. UH OH, this can't be good, must've been the honey bun and that cheese bread stuff Jay made which was ALL I had to eat, not a full meal in the slightest.

 

JaysWife tells me that if I need to puke to not do it in the car, but instead roll down the window. So that's exactly what I did, in my drunken room-spinning-Tucker-Max-Drunk stupor I somehow manage to roll the window down, hold my head out the window while going about 65 mph and proceed to puke...hard.

 

Most of it hits the side of the car, I think some hit the ground and some probably hit someones car, I don't know as I was litterally blacking in and out. JaysWife realizes that I need water or something of the alike so we exit the interstate, upon doing this I let out one more huge puke all over the side of her car and manage to look up at some passing motorists with my thumb up and a huge smile on my face. Yep, it doesn't get any better than this.

 

We pull into a gas station (with people starring of course due the mass amount of puke hanging off the side of the car) and JaysWife comes back with a Gatoraide. I immediately drink half of it. Back on the interstate, I'm blacking in and out so bad that I think I am litterally going to die, I even txt messaged my bestfriend of 28 years and told him that I've consumed too much alcohol and that I may die tonight, that if I did he could have all my stuff. So I'm thinking great, I spend the night in the hospital due to alcohol poisioning versus seeing cool bands and hot chics. However, God had different intensions for me.

 

Between blacking in and out, I look down at my Gatoraide bottle and it tells me to drink it for electrolyte replenishment. This took the cake, I was drunker than I have ever been in my life, and believe me I've been pretty fucking drunk before but great holy Jesus I was Fucked-In-Half. I'd heard about "When-Inanimate-Objects-Talk-To-You-Drunk" from Tucker Max's book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, but I never thought I'd achieve this level of drunk, but I did.

 

All I remember next is us getting stuck in traffic and then going the wrong way, before finally getting there and finding a place to park. Upon parking, I open the door, prop my head in arm on the arm rest and puke some more of my spleen up. I vomit for a good 5 minutes off and on before I can finally muster the energy to get out of the car. As I'm getting out Jay takes the first pic with my camera (I had given my camera to JaysWife so I wouldn't lose it or break it) and says "watch out for that pool of puke you just made!" And I thought this only happened in the movies, PURELY CLASSIC! I can't wait to get this film developed.

 

I get out of the car and karma being the bitch she is, strikes again but not too bad. I look up and see 2 hot girls starring at me. This is ironic, because last year I had to pee after we parked so I did it next to the car while an SUV of hot chics pulled up, this year I was puking up my stomach while hot chics were present...gee I really do love my life.

 

After having 2 massive puke attacks, (I may have even puked a 3rd time) I finally down the rest of my Gatoraide and start to feel better. We walk about half a mile to the concert entrance, I can hear that Theory of a Deadman is on stage and covering the A-Team theme song! This inspires me to yell "YYEEEAAAAAHHHH A-TEAM!!!"

We get into the concert and as it turns out we missed Fuel, which was the first band to play. No worries here as I saw them at the 2007 Crawfish Boil. Finally we get close to the stage, Jay and JaysWife lose me in the crowd so I just kind of stay put and be drunk for a minute. Theory of Deadman rocked a few songs and by now it was around 7pm and shockingly I was near sober...I needed more beer.

 

I wasn't about to lose my view and closeness of the stage so I decide to spark up my black and mild instead. The guy next to me that's with a rather cute girl asks for a drag, I give him one and we start talking.

 

Friday: Hey man, thanks for the drag.

Me: Not a problem.

Friday: Hey do you smoke pot?

Me (lifting up my shirt sleeve): Nah man I sure don't.

Friday: Oh badass tattoo man!

Me: Thanks.

Friday: Well my name is Friday, because my lastname is Friday, so people call me Friday. What's your name dude?

Me: Stoney.

FridaysGirl: OH COOL! I went to high school with a guy named Stoney.

 

Apparently there are other Stoney's in the world, and here I thought I was the only one.

 

Friday (pulling out a pint of jagermeister and pointing it at me): Hey man, want some?

 

I quickly retreated into my head and thought about what had happened to me eariler and declined his offer.

 

Me: No thanks, I can't drink that shit straight and if I do I need a beer to chase it with.

Friday (while taking a sip): Oh man, I love this stuff!

Friday: Hey I got some KB rolled up, I'm just waiting for it to get dark.

Me: Awesome.

 

I continued to talk to Friday for a minute until he too gets lost into the crowd and I was left listening to Theory of a Deadman wrap up their set. As they got off stage I try to call Jay, no answer. I try again, no answer. I then scan the crowd to see if I can see him, I do and start to blow up his phone. He answers finally and it's so long I can't hear him and he can't hear me. It went something like this:

 

Me: TURN AROUND! I AM RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

Jay: (loud noise)

Me: I AM RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

Jay: What?

Me: TURN THE FUCK AROUND!

 

He then starts looking around but doesn't see me. So I start waving my arm in the air, this doesn't help either.

 

Jay: (more loud noise)

Me: DUDE I AM LITTERALLY ABOUT 15 FEET BEHIND YOU JUST TURN AROUND!

Jay: (more loud noise then call ended)

 

This pretty girl I was standing next to asked who's attention I was trying to get, I tell her and she gets people in the crowd to play old school "telephone" and gets his attention for me. He sees me and then puts his phone up to his ear, I look down and see my phone ringing:

 

Jay: (noise again)

Me: WHAT?

Jay: Come (more noise)

Me: WHAT? I CAN'T COME UP THERE, I AM NOT A HOT GIRL AND WON'T BE ABLE TO GET AROUND PEOPLE, YOU COME BACK HERE.

Jay: What?

Me: YOU COME BACK HERE!

Jay: (yet even more noise) Seether.

Me: WHAT?

Jay: After Seether.

Me: YOU'RE COMING BACK HERE AFTER SEETHER?

Jay: Yes.

Me: OKAY.

 

So for Seethers entire set, I was surrounded by people I didn't know, but I didn't care I was into the music. After Seether got off stage, I was loosing my beer buzz and found Jay and JaysWife. We were about to go get something to eat when we found a group of people rolling a blunt. We took this time to partake in concert traditions.

 

Not having smoked in awhile, I was lit and wanting more beer and water. We head out to the edge of the crowd and I see a dude and a hot chic with a cooler full of beer, I go up to them:

 

Me: Hey, you selling beer?

BeerGuy: Yes I am.

Me: Okay cool, give me a Budweiser.

BeerGuy: Okay that'll be $6.

Me: $6!?!?! That's robbery!

BeerGirl: I know, I know.

BerrGuy: I will need to see your ID too.

Me: Okay, but I bet you my money back I'm over 21.

BeerGirl: That all? Just one?

Me: Yep, I got trashed before coming here.

 

I then remembered in my drunken puke stupor hours prior that I had told JaysWife I'd buy her a drink for puking all over her car, she wants a Budweiser. I go back to the BeerPeople.

 

Me: Okay, give me another Budweiser, you twisted my arm.

BeerGirl (while laughing): I'm going to have to see your ID again.

Me: What? You just saw it not even 52.4 seconds ago.

BeerGirl: Sorry, it's a new policy, new transaction.

Me: What kind of horseshit is that? I'm fucking 30 and you just saw my ID!

 

I give JaysWife her beer and quickly down mine. We then learn that Akon is up next and decide to go get something to eat and ride the ferris wheel. We get food first. I brought $30 with me, spent $12 on 2 beers and $12 on a plate of cheese chilli fries, $2 on parking. I had $4 left which was just enough to buy a water. Wow, they really do rape you hard at these events on prices.

 

We stand in line a fucking hour to ride the ferris wheel which gives me de ja vu because I stood in line last year to ride the damn thing because the dude I was with wanted to ride it versus going and talking to girls and listen to music. I then get more de ja vu as I hear Akon in the distance and remembered how bad he sucked when he came to the Crawfish Boil in 2007 and how bad he sucked now.

 

We get on the ferris wheel which was uneventful except I could see all the hot chics far and wide from atop of it. Jay and JaysWife kept sucking on each others faces while I just sat there being whatever state of mind I was in at that time and looking at girls. After the ferris wheel ride was over, I had to pee. This was the only time that night that I had to pee, amazing that I pissed only once and consumed I don't know the amount of booze.

By now it was almost time for Alice in Chains to get on stage, so we head toward it and get as close as we can. We get a pretty good view when Jay and JaysWife have to pee. They say that I can stay here that they will be back, looking around I see a sea of people and figure that there would be no way to get back to me so I tell them I will go with them. Back to the port-o-toilets we go.

 

JaysWife needs to sit down so we do, but after a good foot rest I suggest we go back into the crowd. My colleagues think that this isn't a good idea and just sit there. Okay, Alice n Chains is on stage, one of the best bands ever formed and they just want to sit. Not wanting to get lost again, I stay with them.

There's a pretty good view of the stage from where we were sitting, but I wasn't close enough so I try to get them to go into the crowd with me once again. No dice, they still want to sit. Blasphemy!

 

By now it's 11:40pm, I'm pretty much sober and Alice n Chains said good night, but then came back out for encore playing Rooster. I get excited and start jamming out, while Jay and JaysWife just stand there. They get half way throught Rooster and Jay gets this notso great idea to leave. This always happens, ever year I come to this concert I am somehow forced to leave before the last band finishes, it's never failed except for in 2007 I actually got to stay for it all.

 

On a side note, I didn't run into anyone I knew there which is strange because I always see at least one person I know at the Crawifish Boil.

 

So we start heading toward the gate to leave, all the while Alice n Chains still playing Rooster. We get out in to the street and start walking the half mile back to the car. Back at the car I see the puke all over the side of the door, door handle, window, and even some on the trunk of the car. WOW I'm good.

 

As I open up the door I look down and see the remains of my puke puddle below my feet and say "Oh shit, there's that pool of puke you guys were talking about."

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