The Loser Jeff Stories

Things you didn't want to know about me and not much more.


This is part of my site contains, well as it says...random shit.  This is where I will post anything and everything that I feel like, random thoughts, what I've been doing, etc.  and any other shit that fits into the "King of Random" category. 

Girlfriend Shenanigans

I recently got a girlfriend some months back and since we have some funny moments via text messaging, I decided to post some here.

TheGirlfriend: Well I'm glad you prefer vadge lol.

Me: Doesn't ever self respecting heterosexual male?

TheGirfriend: Not all.

Me: I can't think of any, unless it's a porn star in which they are paid to like anal.

TheGirlfriend: I used to know a few.

 Me: And that's why you didn't sleep with any of them!


TheGirlfriend "Ok you are awful smartassy tonight."

Me "I've been reading Tucker Max's book for fucks sake!"

TheGirlfriend "Oh. Remind me not to talk to you when read a Tucker Max book."


Me "I killed a spider that looked like a brown recluse. I don't know if it was, but it was bigger than your normal house spider and it was brown."

ThGirlfriend "Well you should have looked at it better before killing it so you could look it up online."

Me "Crap, I didn't think of that."

TheGirlfriend ''Sometimes I wonder if you even use your brain."

An IM from a complete stranger

08.02.2011 says:

 J says:
yo says:

J says:
zxr says:

J says:
exactly says:
age sex location?

J says:
how old is old? im 20 male from the UK

J says:
okay says:

J says:
is good! says:
i mean straight, gay, bi?

J says:
so you just find random people to IM and ask that? says:
no says:
i usualy add people from DVDG forums that seem to have the same interests as me says:
sorry if i offended u
are you not from DVDG forums?

J says:
I signed up there but I rarely visit it. says:
oh ok says:
well basically i use this IM adress to talk to people from DVDG forums about masturbation and stuff says:
if ur not interested that is fine

J says:
not really, I'd rather talk with a female about those kinds of things says:
ok sorry to have bothered you

More Fun with Coworkers

April 2011

AJ: You know, it really hurts me to watch you do that.
Jeff: What my job?
AJ: That part of it, yeah.
Jeff: So it's like utterly painful to see me do this hu?
AJ: Mhmm
Jeff: Does it hurt as bad like the first time you had sex?
Jeff (laughing): You weren't expecting that one were you?

Txt Messaging with the Ex Girlfriend (turned "fuck buddy")


I was sitting around tonight drinking a beer and horse shitting on the internet when my phones txt  message tone went off.  Since my phone hasn't done shit but collect dust all day I wonder who it could be.  I look at it and low and behold it's the ex girlfriend/now fuck bud!

Her txt:  Hey
My txt: Well hello, thought you fell off the planet
Her txt: hahaha nope...whatcha up to
My txt:  Ooh...Ah I'm just bullshitting around the net, you?

15 minutes later

Her txt: bored
My txt: Me too, wanna hook up?

I never got a reply back, imagine that?  This girl had just sucked my dick some 4-5 days ago too.

Fun with Coworkers


AJ: Hey Jeff can you get that for me?
Me (looking at her like she's nuts due to the fact the object in question is 6.9 inches away): Uhh yeah I guess...
Me: So what would you do if I wasn't here?
AJ: I don't know, I would die or something.
Me: Okay well pretend I'm not here, ready? AAAND GO!


TheBrain: ...After that, I went to college, smoked pot and got laid.
Me: And that's how college is suppose to be, isn't it?
TheBrain: Well except for the fact that I always managed to forget to goto class.
Me: If I was getting laid and smoking pot in college, I'd forget too.

Fun times with instant messaging


Someone says:
make me a pizza cunt
Jeff says:
okay I will put jizz on it as the topping
Someone says:
Jeff says:


One of those times


So I'm talking to this girl online and had a Tucker Max moment, well actually more of a Hate or Credit moment with some SlingBlade added in (if you know who they are), but yeah a Tucker Max moment.  I was amazed at myself of how much of a sarcastic asshole I can be just by reading a few chapters in Tucker's new book......he's my hero! 

TheGirl says:
yup yup
i;m getting a drink

Jeff says:
The coke zero strikes again

Jeff says:
you should just buy a 24 pack and be done

TheGirl says:
rum and coke

Jeff says:
oh you suck then

The Girl says:
I need to catch up to my roommate lol

Jeff says:
oh geez? why?

Jeff says:
I've got this really bad picture in my head

Okay get ready here it comes....ready?

Jeff says:
you would pick a night that I have to work in the morning to fucking drink so I are a woman!

The Girl says:
lol lol sorry babes

Jeff says:
yeah right

The Girl says:
lol its ok really it is

Jeff says:
no it's not okay because I wanna fucking drink now!

The Girl says:
too bad.. no drinking lol

Jeff says:
yeah fuck you

The Girl says:
lonely without me all day ?

Jeff says:
nah, I had my tucker max book to keep me company :D

BAM! And there it is!  Wow, it's amazing how much influence one book can bring upon me.

A strange phenomenon


Over the past few years I've noticed that virtually everyone in the USA (and even some people overseas) have been infected with the band wagon insult virus "douche bag".  I don't understand why these words are so fucking popular, the shit spreads like wild fire and it seems I'm the only one immune to its lameness.  Personally, I think it's over used and really really burnt out.  Can't you people come up with some new shit?  How about shitbag, or dickbag?  Maybe turd mouth?  How about enema breath?

Brain farts


I could be updating my site with a new story, but nah.

Pot + Fanboys


So I'm about to smoke one and watch the movie Fanboys.  Should be interesting.

Patrick, I hope you choke on a turd while getting raped by an elk!


Okay to sum this little rant up (and to make a long story short), I will give the jist of it.  A good friend of mine and someone I care about recently found out her husband Patrick was cheating on her.  So firstly, I want to say the fuck looks like a complete tool, I mean did his mom drop him on a frying pan while it was on a hot stove as a child?  Next, the guy has no balls, none at all.  In fact, he probably has a pussy since he's a little bitch.  Any real man doesn't fucking cheat on his wife you prick.  What a man!  23 and young, really fucking dumb to cheat on such a great girl, and really really full of fucking cum.  Finally I'd like to say: PATRICK YOU'RE A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING!  YOUR MOM SHOULD HAVE SWALLOWED YOU EH!?!  Fucking canuck.

An instant message while "roughing up the suspect"


I was surfing the adult site portion of the internet the other day when I got an instant message from someone I've known for awhile (I forgot to put my status on "away").

Someone says:
cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt
StoneyJeff SG says:
yes indeed
Someone says:
jeff you cunt
StoneyJeff SG says:
but im busy wanking it
Someone says:
StoneyJeff SG says:
Someone says:
I will come back later

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